Unicorns and How to Hunt Them
We often see couples asking the same questions, ‘how can we find a unicorn’?! A lot of couples enter the lifestyle hoping for a FMF threesome with a single lady (it’s a great fantasy right!) and then they quickly realize it’s not as easy as setting up a profile on a dating site. This isn’t a ‘build it and they will come scenario, it takes time, effort and good communication skills for both the couple and the unicorn.
Joining us for today’s guest blog is the lovely Alice of Unicorn Hunting blog, Alice is sharing her thoughts and experiences on communication.
Thank you so much Alice for helping us out!
Hello lovely lifestylers! I’m Alice Hunter of unicornhunting.blog and the book Unicorns and How to Hunt Them, writing to you from the swinging world of London, England. The delightful C & D of Swinging Downunder have asked me to talk to you about the theme this month: communication.
As an ex-unicorn, unicorn hunter, former pick-up artist and general adviser to all the newbie swingers of London, it’s got to be said that communication styles can really be where it all goes right or wrong. From the moment you send an opening message online or sidle up to a hot prospect at a party, picking the right approach for your intended play partner is a subtle art that can be learned as much as a natural gift.
I don’t believe in natural gifts for social talents. I believe people just learned them at a young age and don’t remember doing it. All skills of pick up and mastery of the swing scene are learn-able at any age, from any starting point. Remember, it takes 10,000 hours of practice to truly master any skill, from playing piano to sailing a ship. Your instruments are your body, your voice, your words and your quick responses to shift gears and dance the steps of seduction. If I can do it, anyone can. Learning to love the process is all part of the joy.
Communicating as a Couple
I’ve written quite a lot previously about how couples can master the tricky art of picking up unicorns, which can be summarised thus:
- Make a good profile with clear descriptions, tasteful photos, your rough location, your level of experience, what you are looking for and, more importantly, what you have to offer to the unicorn
- Read her profile in detail and tailor your opening message to appeal to what she has said- she’s literally told you exactly how she wants you to pick her up
- Plan a relaxed meeting with her before planning a sexcapade – women generally like to play with people they trust and have built rapport with. It is said that a woman needs 17 hours of contact (online, text, video and in person) to feel comfortable being seduced. Unicorns may be a more open and spicy bunch than most, but we still have the basic need to feel safe and comfortable.
“Unicorns may be a more open and spicy bunch than most, but we still have the basic need to feel safe and comfortable”
- If all goes well, plan a luxurious evening that naturally progresses from friendly enjoyment of each other’s company to a more intimate scenario – just like you would on any other date
- Give consideration to what she is looking for from the play date, not just ticking off all your own sex fantasies, and expecting her to fit the criteria you have devised as a couple or setting down lots of rules for her to follow. Though a very few unicorns have a fetish for being objectified or treated like a toy, most like to feel like an equal and a human being.
- Be sure you are happy and comfortable in your own relationship first, and that you are both equally happy to play as a three. Your average unicorn wants a friendly, sexy encounter with two enthusiastic people that she is attracted to, and is not out to step into the role of being a primary partner for either of you. Jealousy, control, drama and misgivings are all issues that unicorns deal with in abundance when seeing couples and are very off-putting.
- Make sure you both message her as individuals, as well as it being clear that nothing is being done in secrecy. Often the male half of a couple will message without the primary female knowing, have control of what appears initially to be a joint account or even pretend to be his female counterpart. The unicorns pick up on this quickly and it gives them bad vibes about meeting. Messaging exclusively from a couples account can also be off-putting, as the unicorn may feel ganged up on, excluded, manipulated or ‘hunted’. Women only, messaging that they want to ‘experiment’ for their partner’s enjoyment tend not to come off as flattering as you imagine. Unicorns are rare (compared to the number of couples who want one) and like to feel special and appreciated as an individual.
- When talking to a unicorn at a party, ensure you are both participating as equals and show an interest, building conversation the way you normally would picking up a woman if you were single. Look for ‘indicators of interest’ in the way she speaks, her body language and eye contact. Your sexiest organ isn’t between your legs. It is between your ears.
- When playing with a unicorn, ensure you have agreed with her exactly what you will be doing together, both beforehand and as you go along. It can be awkward to have half the couple suddenly join in if they didn’t expect it, or to have one person hanging back watching when they had hoped to play as a full three. Try to consider the geometry of how everyone can fit together when playing, so you don’t end up just taking turns. Always allow a window for the third person to be doing something sexy or receiving pleasure, as a minimum. Hot tubs and sideways position, or kneeling in a circle are better than missionary.
- Treat your unicorn well during play, immediately after and keep in contact with her, if she wishes, after the event. Unicorns tend to live in herds (so to speak), and your manners and performance, whether good or bad, will likely be shared with other unicorns on the scene. Ideally, you’d like to be known as great people to meet with. Get in the good books of a unicorn herd and you will have all the eager playmates you could want.
Responsibilities of the Unicorn
It seems strange, having written so much about how couples can up their game, to look at how unicorns can communicate their needs best, but of course it is such an obvious part to the puzzle. People are unique, and the desires and expectations of each of us are not ubiquitous or obvious. Rather than rolling our eyes in frustration as the 20th couple of the day messages making the same faux pas, maybe we need to take responsibility for our own experiences and communicate our desires and expectations better. I would therefore suggest the following to unicorns:
“maybe we need to take responsibility for our own experiences and communicate our desires and expectations better”
- Make it clear in your profile whether you are happy to play with couples or not, and under what circumstances. One person may want a sexy, one-night stand, whereas another may be looking for a more ongoing polyamorous arrangement or friendship.
- Make your own boundaries clear in terms of the play styles you like. Do you want and expect to play with both halves of a couple as equals? Or were you hoping to just play with the lady while the man watches at a distance? Do you consider yourself more hetero-based and want both ladies to just play with the man? Are you only interested in heterosexual couples, or will you consider other gay/ lesbian/ transgender/ gender-fluid couples as well? The better you can clarify what you want from a couple, the more chance they have to show how they can meet your expectations.
- Give an example of how you would like to be seduced. If you expect to do a group video chat before meeting, want a casual meeting first or want a three-course dinner and spa weekend with a five-star hotel as part of the experience, say so. If you want just a hot sexy night as a one-off, say so. Your own ideas of what it means to be a unicorn, have a good threesome and feel satisfied at the end of it are ultimately your own responsibility to communicate. Without your clarity, a couple can only guess.
Communication is Key!
They dynamics of human relationships, in all their forms, are tricky waters to navigate. So many hurt feelings, misunderstandings and disappointments could be avoided if we all remembered that we communicate things in different ways. Exploring and perfecting how we do this, while remaining true to ourselves and not disappearing into the wishy-washy waters of being a people-pleaser and trying to make everyone like us (which is a pretty poor value to base your life around) is something that nobody every manages perfectly with a 100% success rate, however good your game is.
Yet there is a natural feedback system for this: our own responses and feelings. Feeling a bit lost, uncentred and dissatisfied with how you are treated? Be clearer about who you are and what you want. Feel like you are getting hostile responses, upsetting people and making enemies? Spend more time listening and reflexively responding.
With such a myriad of communication styles, lived-experiences, trigger points and desires, it is a complex labyrinth to negotiate. In fact, it is a marvel that we ever manage to make friends or lovers with anyone at all! Yet humans are basically social creatures at their heart, and the ways we respond, interact and instigate connections is all just a sum of what we have learned so far in our own lives. The swing scene is a beautiful sandbox in which to tweak the parameters of your style and personality, refine your social skills and explore the person you want to be. Nobody said it was easy; few things worth having are. Making something look easy is the sign of 10,000 hours of practice. We all start from today.
Happy swinging, sexy libertines!